Every human life is comprised of relationships of every variety and intensity. One of the strongest forms of relationship is that of lover. These primary relationships are often more highly charged and feel more important to us than other types. Why? How can we balance the agony and the ecstasy that we feel as we sail our primary relationships through the sea of life? How can we avoid crashing into jagged reefs, becoming ice bound or sinking into the abyss of despair?
These most highly charged relationships involve sex. Making love. Shagging. Rooting. Quiqui. Sum. However you say it in your country, having a lover can be the best and worst of experiences. It seems that most adults are either in, actively seeking or just coming out of relationship with a lover. The thought of ‘lover’ has inspired song, poem and story for eons. We seem to give our lover the power to transport us to bliss or suck us into a black hole of misery. The relationship of lovers often seems to take precedence over all other human relationships, even our relationship with self. Why?
We charge these relationships with the energy of not one but two chakras. The second chakra which primarily focuses on emotion and sexual energy, and the fourth chakra (heart) which governs our ability to live our life in a loving manner. With all that energy, it is no wonder love relationships feel so important and are prone to be challenging!
However joyous or painful your relationship with your lover feels at the moment, one thing is for sure, we learn many big life lessons through our experience with our lover(s). Never forget that, in the end, your life is really all about you and your own evolution. Remembering this simple fact can help you stay a bit more centered within your love relationship.
One common problem with our love relationships may be that they often began ‘blindly’. We ‘feel’ a strong attraction to somebody and, boom, the connection is made. For days, months or decades, we then live emotionally intertwined with our lover. We may enter this relationship without conscious awareness of what is even driving us to do so. The reasons for entering into a love relationship are as varied as the people involved.
Sometimes, our love relationship simply begins as a physical attraction that we continue for convenience. Hormones happen. Sometimes, we enter love relationships to subconsciously avoid ourselves! We may actually want someone else to take control of our life’s rudder so that we don’t have to take responsibility for our life. Sometimes, we erroneously believe that we ‘need’ somebody else to complete us. Sometimes, we enter a love relationship to embrace, or reject, societal norms. Sometimes, we just want to share our life with a lover because it ‘feels’ better to do so. It is hardwired into humanity as a survival strategy.
Whether our relationship with our lover is brief or extensive, it will serve to teach us valuable life lessons. The quality of the relationship is often dependent on what actually drives us to become lovers. In other words, the energy in which the love relationship was created has a critical role in how that relationship will progress. Is the root of the relationship dark (fear, manipulation, control, etc) or is it light (love)? Often this information is not as apparent as you may think!
What are some common pitfalls in our love relationship(s)?
- We don’t take the time to really know ourselves or the other person before we become lovers! The human brain and ego can make understanding ourselves and others a difficult endeavor. Until we have done our own personal inner work, we often tend to project our greatest dreams, desires, hopes and fears onto others. How we perceive someone may have nothing at all to do with reality! Our love relationships are extremely important. Take the time to know yourself and the other beyond initial attraction. Save yourself some pain. Exercise discernment as a means to honor yourself and your lover.
- Forgetting that our lover is human! Humans make mistakes. Humans are works-in-progress. Humans are unique. Maybe you idealize your lover, forgetting that they have their own stories, triggers, dreams and desires. Honor your differences. Perhaps we think that we can shape our lover to better fit our dream. If their way of being is consistently not to your preference, move on gracefully rather than try to ‘fix’ them more to your liking. Be grateful for what you have learned during your time together and count the ways in which you have grown.
- Believing that what once worked so perfectly and effortlessly will always remain the same. It won’t. People change. Circumstances change. The world changes. It is possible to stay on the same page with a lover through all of these changes but it takes hard work and open, honest communication. Many people haven’t developed these skills before they enter into a love relationship. Not only may one or the other not have the skill to successfully navigate challenges, they may not have the desire! Both people must be willing to do this work. The relationship must be an energetic win/win or it will come to a natural end so that a more balanced potential may arise.
- Human needs such as love, affection, connection, and involvement often cause us to accept an emotionally unhealthy lover. Our need to feel loved is so strong that we may even overlook the most grievous of transgressions against us. Many woman and men will tolerate emotional, psychological, even physical abuse rather than face their fear of being alone. We are fearful that, if we leave an unhealthy relationship, we will live alone and unloved forever thereafter. This is a lie. It is an unrealistic fear. This dysfunctional belief has perpetuated through time. Only a very few of us were born into a family that could teach us what healthy, balanced relationships even look like. The rest of us are left to figure that out for ourselves. This can be a very long and painful process! So be gentle with yourself. You are perhaps caught in repeating ancient dramas that you just haven’t yet learned to leave in the past where they belong.
- Many people martyr themselves for the sake of their lover. They do not love and honor self within the relationship. They may constantly support the others needs at the expense of their own. This won’t work. Loving self is always paramount! If we do not learn to put self at the top of our own priority list, to pursue what we love and what interests us from within the relationship, then the relationship cannot survive because it does not represent our best interest, no matter how badly we ‘want’ it to. The power of our own soul will keep hammering our consciousness until we are forced to acknowledge that our relationship is not working for us; that it is actually hindering our path to self-realization. This goes against the laws of nature. We will grow to resent our partner and then all sorts of hell can manifest. Always give yourself and your partner space to be true to self!
Love relationships are always complex. They can help us grow through positive and highly rewarding or hideously painful experiences. Being in a love relationship can teach us a great deal about ourselves, about others and about life. Perhaps this is why we are so drawn to creating them.
To best nurture a positive love relationship, perhaps begin by following the ancient aphorism, “Know Thyself” and consciously select a lover who best complements the Truth of who you are. If you start from there, the seas that you transverse together may not contain quite as many tempestuous swells. You will increase your likelihood of experiencing the passion without quite as much pain.
© Louise Kearns 2013. All Rights Reserved. Permission is granted to share this article in its entirety on the condition that full credit is given to the author, it is distributed freely and the URL https://helllouise.wordpress.com is included.